re-published from my tumblr.
there's this thing about being aromantic and growing up so invested in fandom - i was constantly consuming stories about people falling in love or perhaps falling out of it or dying for it but it was all about love, love, love and i couldn't figure out where my place was in that. The closest concept i could really identify with it was my friendships, so i projected onto them, made myself think that i wanted more because i thought that i should want more because what is a person without romantic love?
it didn't help that i was a romantic - i loved love. i saw people who were close on the tv or in fanfiction and thought, now that's love. That's what people need in love, a romantic partner to hold and kiss and touch. but when i looked at my peers, stared at the people who i found aesthetically attractive, i never felt that strange thing my best friends called crushes, then.
it was like i was missing out on something important, something that all the other people got to experience. and i wanted it so badly- i wanted to be like cas and dean or aang and katara or kara and lena. i wanted a connection with someone that held stronger than how friendship was made out to be, where one wrong move and they would leave.
my dad was supportive, but only in the ways that he could comprehend. he didn't understand the concept of nonbinary, and would discuss at length how it was made up, how the labels changed so much that it was ridiculous to try to remain "pc" - and i agree with him on some of his points, but in the end he was resistant to the growth of the queer community in any form. so while he would gladly wave a rainbow flag in "support", he never tried to support the identity that i found myself changing into. so i never told him about not experiencing romantic feelings, because he would tell me that i was being crazy. i took what i could get from him - i mean, how could you change someone who sympathized with jk rowling?
but in any case, i saw the way people wrote their fiction. there was always someone falling in love, and i would root for them, but could never empathize with their connection. and i saw how my father, my only role model reacted and i thought, i'm not normal. so i hid and watched and waited for the off chance that i could experience an connection, that i could look into someone's eyes and realize that i was in love with them but the day never came.
and it never will, but i'm okay with it. it's not some sort of illness for me, not now, because i know that other people are the same. but sometimes, when i go back and read fanfiction, i still get a twinge in my heart and an intrusive thought telling me that i will never have something like this. i'll never be the one for somebody. and i'm accepting myself, learning how to be okay with it. i might never feel the same way people like to describe love as, but i've got some kickass friends who i can rely on when i need help and can in turn count on me.
i am not complete only when i am in a romantic relationship - none of us are. we are living, breathing people with whole personalities, and we do not need completion in form of another person - and we need to stop thinking that we do, because it's not just harmful to aspec people, it's deeply unhealthy.
i see the way a lot of people interact with fandom nowadays, and it's still kind of saddening that they'll only focus on shipping. sure, it's fine to ship and talk about ships, but it's not even close to all fandom has to offer, and unfortunately, a lot of people both inside and outside fandom will reduce it to wanting two or more characters to get together. fandom is a community, and it's supposed to be inclusive, but it won't be until aspec people and relationships are fully recognized and accepted.
april 12 2022
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